St Mary's

Hello everyone. My name is Mary Pease and I want to share with you some of the lessons in life I have learnt since I started  attending St Mary’s in Exile.

My first Mass at SMX was in July last year. About 3 months previously, I had left my husband of 25 years, departing with a boot load of belongings. After two months of living in motels and house sitting, I moved into rental accommodation. I then  caught up with my lovely friends, Peter and Su Norris, for coffee and a chat. Peter and Su have been part of the St Mary’s Community for years, and they suggested that I attend. The timing was right for me. I had stopped believing in heaven as a physical place, and had rejected a lot of Church Dogma. I was still however attending Mass in my own parish occasionally, as I needed the sense of Community and the core message of Christianity. I took up Peter and Su’s offer to attend SMX, and was a “convert” from the first Mass.

About 4 months after joining SMX, in November 2009, I had some abdominal pain. I felt my abdomen, and felt a large mass, in the left lower side of my abdomen and rising up to the level of my navel. This filled me with shock, disbelief and dread. I am a doctor, a GP, I had kept up with my own health checks, and I had not had any symptoms until the episode of pain.  About 3 weeks later, I had surgery to remove the lump- the upshot was that I had a very aggressive cancer of the uterus, a sarcoma. Further tests showed that it had already spread to a lymph gland below my diaphragm, and I had some lesions in my lungs which were possibly small lung secondaries also. Sarcoma of the uterus is an extremely rare form of cancer- in my 30 years of medical practice, I have never had a patient with this condition. The predicted life expectancy is limited. It is not a cancer that responds to either radiotherapy or chemotherapy, although I was offered chemotherapy. My oncologist is a very kind and compassionate  person, and explained that chemo could possibly extend my symptom-free interval, but would not extend my life expectancy. I chose NOT to have chemo.

It is now 6 months since my surgery and diagnosis, and I want to tell you how important being a member of SMX has been to me on my journey.

At the first Mass I attended here in July, I could feel a wonderful sense of Community. For me, the acceptance of all comers, and the communal love was very strong. The chior, and the choice of hymns were inspiring for prayer. I became a bit like an addict from July onwards- not wanting to miss Mass any weekend because I would miss out on my “spiritual top-up” for the week.

I was especially touched emotionally on the first occasion when Dermott led the  Liturgy of the Eucharist.I found it very moving to see the entire Community supporting him by all gathering around the altar.When we sang “Enfold me in your love, enfold me in your love, encircle me oh God, surround me with your love, come fill me with your love”, I felt a powerful and comforting energy around me connecting me with Dermott and the Community.

Back to my cancer, I feel that being part of SMX has helped me to cope with the cancer by nurturing my soul. I searched for meaning in my developing this type of cancer. Surgery has removed the bulk of the cancer, but could not remove the cancer cells that had already spread to other areas. I came to the conclusion that I had to embrace “Living in the Now”, otherwise I would be constantly tearful and miserable and missing out on enjoying what quality time I had left. I also felt it was important for my two children, who are 21 and 22 years old, that they see that I was still able to have fun and interact normally, otherwise I was just going to distress them even more. I decided that, rather than ACTING brave, I would try to BECOME brave.

I read Petrea King’s and Ian Gawler’s books. They are both cancer survivors with powerful and comforting messages for people with cancer. I attended a weekend lecture session that Ian Gawler had at the Relaxation Centre here in Brisbane. I read Eckart Tolle’s book “The Power of Now”, and found it very helpful. I started meditating – or at least trying to- I find it very hard to empty my mind. I have done a huge amount of praying, invoking Mary Mackillop, St Peregrine, Mary , St Peregrine and St Francis of Assisi. I find I am more able to embrace contemplative prayer than meditation.

Now I did reflect that “I sure picked a bad time to give up believing in Heaven”! I sought Peter Kennedy’s counsel. Like me, he did not have the answer to “What happens when you die?”- but he was enormously kind and supportive and spoke to me over a couple of cups of tea interspersed with my tears.

I have come to the realization that the most important aspect of my coping with my cancer is LOVE. I am sure is has had a very positive benefit for me in both accepting my cancer and in seemingly extending my life expectancy with the cancer. I have received a huge amount of love from my family and friends and my patients. At SMX, I receive a lot of “Anonymous Love” from the SMX Community. One of the difficulties initially for me was in accepting love or asking for help. I am fairly independent, and have been used to being the care giver as a doctor. It very much went against the grain to receive help and love rather than to give love.  I had to learn to ask and be receptive to love. So when I meditate, it is really a contemplative prayer. I think of all the people who are sending me love and caring thoughts, of the saints who are channelling love, of God, and how his love comes to us through other people- That God IS Love, and the love we show to others is God working IN and THROUGH us.   I find this incredibly comforting and energizing. I actually feel a “chi” energy in my hands and arms and legs and face when I contemplate on this { and I know it is not from hyperventilation}.  Lately, I have also been able to contemplate on sending my love to my patients and friends in need of comforting and support, and the same energizing feeling occurs- both in receiving love, and giving love.

As part of being receptive to love, I listened to a friend who is also a GP, who told me about a researcher who is trialling high dose intravenous Vitamin C for cancers that are not responsive to conventional treatments. I decided to have this treatment. I am also doing juicing of vegetables and other healthy eating approaches. I felt that it was better to “cover my bets” but using some of the shared wisdom from the physical world, rather than relying solely on higher powers!! I wondered if Mary Mackillop may be feeling somewhat harassed by the number of novenas that were heading her way!!

As my journey with prayer and this community has progressed over the months, I realized that it was very important that I try to  forgive my estranged husband for the emotional abuse to which he subjected me over the 25 years of our marriage. My motivation was purely selfish- it was based on a  psychological theory that holding onto resentment festers away internally in one’s physical body and can lead to, or aggravate a cancer. If this theory is valid, then I knew I had built up “bucket loads” of resentment to feed an aggressive cancer. I had tried to forgive my husband a number of times, but had only been able to “do it in my head” previously. Then one night in March, I awoke about 2am, and felt that I could forgive. I sent up a contemplative prayer to Mary Magdelene, and I felt truly in heart that I had forgiven him. Within the same instant that I felt the forgiveness, I had a ‘realization” or epiphany- I realized that the forgiveness had nothing to do with my husband, and was all about me! This was totally unexpected. I had expected that I would feel a bit of comfort that I had given him a gift. Instead , I felt that I was suddenly set free, and that he could no longer hurt me. I was no longer afraid of him, and I felt elated. I could not get back to sleep for hours after, as I was so euphoric.

Later on, I finally understood why Jesus told us to “Forgive, and turn the other cheek.” I had previously thought this was a rather flawed piece of advice! Now I realize that he meant that once we forgive, we set ourselves free, and the perpetrator can  continue to behave exactly the same, but the forgiver can “turn the other cheek”,as it no longer has  the impact of causing emotional or mental pain. It was an incredibly powerful thing to have forgiven. I can highly recommend it. FORGIVENESS IS  A GIFT TO THE FORGIVER. IT DOES SET YOU FREE.  { This has been tested since- my estranged husband left me a hate-filled and intimidating message in May. While it initially caused me some concern for my physical safety ,the message itself  did not hurt me to the core. I was able to look at it and say “Yes, that’s just like my estranged husband” and not “ take it on”  as a personal emotional wound.}

I would prefer NOT to have developed cancer. However, to paraphrase Ian Gawler , the Dragon does confer  some blessings. The blessings for me have been:

I have received a huge outpouring of love from others.

I have reconnected with a lot of friends- some I have not been in contact with for ages, and others with whom I have been in intermittent contact,  I am now seeing on a much more regular basis. It has become a celebration of friendship and valuing our time together as a gift.

I am a better doctor, especially to my cancer patients, as I feel that I now have so much more to give to them.

I am a better person from the spiritual growth that I have had to do.

I realize that Love heals your soul, and that cancer cannot take your soul away.

In summing up, at present I am doing very well, and am maintaining good health. Maybe the cancer was not as advanced in its spread as it seemed at the time of diagnosis, or maybe it is the prayers, or the act of forgiveness or the Vitamin C infusions or life style changes that are helping- or some combination of all of the above.  Regardless, my future still remains uncertain. However, I am much more at peace in my soul now. I thank the SMX Community for providing such a wonderful loving and caring environment for me to make the changes in my thinking and spiritual life  that I have needed to do.

My daughter gave me a precious pearl of wisdom when she was only 4 years old. She looked up form rolling her playdough and out of the blue, she said, “Do you know what happens when you die Mummy? They take your heart, and they wash it, and it turns into Love” After this incredibly profound statement, she went back to rolling her playdough. That insight has remained with me.  We are ALL going to die one day. What a beautiful comforting thought it is to think that our hearts might live on as everlasting love.