Liturgies

I am an alienated parent. That means that as a result of being in a high conflict relationship with my ex-husband my children have rejected me in order to cope.

It took me by surprise when my eldest daughter rejected me four years ago and the other two children a son and another daughter the year after that. It happened out of the blue and I didn’t know back then what was happening or why.

To marry my story with the gospel reading, I had a skin infection and I could not resume my place until I was cleared. In alienation terms this meant that although I had court orders for shared care, I was now having false allegations of abuse made about me so I now could not spend time with my children until an evaluation was done, family therapy was undertaken and we had a trial. This process dragged out over two years. All this time I was missing with my children and having my behaviour and mental health questioned meant that the children grew further and further estranged from me as they lived with the parent who caused the rejection in the first place.

This new and protracted living situation, the aging of the children into late teens and their firm expressed views of not wanting anything to do with me meant that my efforts in the courts were futile in establishing any contact time with any of my children. To make matters clear and simple, the court ended up taking away my right to spend time with or make decisions effecting my children.

One of the horrific markers of parental alienation is the false allegations of abuse made about the rejected parent. Even though these allegations were false they were believed by some family, friends and teachers which resulted in me being rejected by portions of my wider community. This is common for alienated parents and I presume it was for the lepers too. Many parents collapse under the grief of losing their children combined with the judgment of the false allegations, the hostile changes in their children and other support network. Many alienated parents suffer mental illness, lose their jobs, retreat from society and attempt or die from suicide.

The gospel reading today starts with “on the way to Jerusalem” depicting that Jesus was on a journey as we all are. Alienation removed me from my mainstream journey as a mother and placed me firmly in the leper colony. It is an affliction that can last from a few weeks to many years, or even a lifetime or longer as it is now known to be an intergenerational problem. On Jesus’ journey he comes across 10 men who have been alienated from their community and they call out for him to help them. I am presuming there are many more than 10 lepers in that colony but only 10 ask for help. This is also the case in alienation as parents self-alienate through shame. What alienated parents need is to be understood and supported in their pain instead of being crippled with this burden of proof from the false allegations. People need to understand that lies and projections are behind this behaviour. If there is truth in these allegations, it is NOT parental alienation. Rejected parents need to be afforded the presumption of innocence until proven guilty in order that they can start to feel grounded and whole again.

Very often the circumstances are misdiagnosed by professionals and so the experience of the alienated parent and the abused children is not validated. Many parents feel a conspiracy within the legal/professional click dealing with these families which is justified as legitimate questions go unanswered and the solution remains to remove one parent from the scenario. To achieve healing, we cannot be defined by the denigration and isolation that comes our way through this rejection by our children and condemnation by the courts. We must have faith and keep on our life’s journey. In this way we can remain the strong and healthy parent for our children to return to when they can free themselves from the controlling parent.

On my journey I was only able to find professional help in the UK and more recently in the USA. I could not find anyone in Australia working effectively with and advocating for alienated parents. In this way we are simply banished as lepers with no-one to help us recover and reassimilate with our new identity. As a result of my shock and heartbreak I have decided to be someone to share the experience of alienation so that others can find understanding, acceptance and support in their grief.

Just like the gospel account of the leper finally being accepted through his faith in Jesus, I want all alienated parents to be healed of their damaged self-image and reclaim their position in their community.

We have all heard the phrase, “it takes a village to raise a child”. It also takes a village to alienate a child as the abusive, custodial parent needs to be validated in their total control of managing the children. Alienation would occur less frequently if communities did not tolerate the non-contact between a child and their other parent and instead saw it as a red flag.  I am a registered nurse and worked for many years at a children’s hospital and have trained as a foster carer. I have seen heinous acts of abuse on children, only to watch these children cling to their parent and heard stories of children repeatedly absconding from foster homes to return to abusive parents. This demonstrates the bond between children and their parents which the children struggle to maintain the less healthy the bond is. A healthy parent/child relationship manifests itself with the easy separation and joining of the child with the parent. Children do NOT naturally reject a parent. Not even an abusive one. Children reject a parent only when they have been forced to and that is child abuse.

So please be aware and support rejected parents. They are good people who are being further damaged by the judgment cast on them by the situation. As intelligent people living in an age of readily available information we don’t need to be afraid of the modern leprosy called parental alienation. It is perpetuated by misinformation and I hope that my attempts to raise awareness will help to empower and free our children.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmErRm-vApI

The Hardest Part

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zXnwbj9WKo