Liturgies

Hello everyone. My name is Mary Pease and I have titled my Homily “Life and Death- A Foot in both Camps”.

This story began just over 5 years ago. In November 2009, I was diagnosed with an aggressive rare cancer, a soft tissue sarcoma of the uterus. It carried a very poor prognosis, with an average life expectancy of  6 to 12 months. As you can see, I have outlived that prediction- thanks to the help of skilled surgeons who have performed  4 operations over the last 5 years to removed ‘invaded bits’of me. I also embarked on a major ‘spring clean’ of my mind, body, and spirit.

I knew however, that the day would come when further surgery would not be effective in  warding  off the recurrences. That time came in early January this year. I had been getting recurring bouts of abdominal and shoulder pain with fevers and fatigue. I had a CAT Scan which showed that I now have secondaries in my liver, one kidney, the abdominal cavity, and that  my pre-existing lung secondaries have increased in size.

I decided  to stop working- that I needed time to ‘smell the roses’ before I decline further in my health.  I am a doctor, a General Practitioner. I have found General Practice to be full of ‘soul’, and I have felt very privileged to connect with the humanity of my patients.

The rest of my homily is about how I am dealing with facing dying. If any part of this is helpful to even a few members of this community, I will be glad that I have stood up here and bared my soul.

A keystone for me is that ‘my life is more than about me”. I am not just Mary Pease- I am my Soul, and  the interactions and connections with the people around me, and with the beauty of nature. I think it is a trap to focus purely on yourself when  your cancer progresses. Self-absorption blocks you from caring about others, noticing the beauty and humour in the world around you, and from being a participant in life. And besides, self-absorption is downright boring!!

I believe that the person who has cancer or a terminal condition is the one who ‘sets the bar’ for relating to family and friends. Mostly, friends and family feel  helpless and distressed, and don’t know what to say. It is up to the person who owns the cancer or terminal condition to set the scene for others to relate to us. I try to reassure my family and friends that their love and prayers are a huge comfort, that I remain interested in what is happening in their lives, and that there is still a lot more to me than just my cancer.

I acknowledge that  Peter Kennedy believes that ‘we are all one, and as individuals, we do not really exist’. I have been very blessed to have  experienced  ‘oneness’, on a few occasions, and it is a very euphoric  state. However, I  still resonate with my own individuality.

I see myself as a 58 year old human being with a Soul, a woman,an Australian, a mother,  a daughter and a sister. I am a retired GP. I live with my mad golden retriever dog. I go walking , go to yoga, belong to SMX Community, and I love life. I also happen to have cancer. I do NOT want my cancer to define who I am.

If we brand ourselves as Cancer Victims, that is exactly how others see us and relate to us. All that other people can see is a cardboard cutout version of us , with ‘Cancer Victim’ stamped all over us.

I now want to talk about the power of Love. For me “Love lifts me up”. I believe that God IS Love, and that when we human beings act from Love, that  God is acting with us and through us. Love is incredibly powerful.

This brings me to the ‘hot topic’ of intercessional prayer! Fr Peter gave a homily around  6 weeks ago about Polytheism and Monotheism. He talked about the fact that our planet Earth has no interest in whether individuals die, or what disasters mankind enacts.  I do believe this, as I have often contemplated that it makes no difference in ‘the overall scheme’ of  Mother Earth if I die. In fact, my dying means that there will be one fewer human being straining the earth’s resources!

However, I also believe that humans also operate in another sphere. We have another realm where the power of Love can connect us. By showing love and compassion to others, we send them loving energy which can be healing on an emotional, physical, or spiritual level.

So even though Mother Earth ‘does not give a damn’ about me, the love of my family, friends, patients, and the SMX Community helps me enormously. When people pray for me, I believe that they are sending God’s Love to me and enriching and energising my Spirit. But for intercessional prayer to be of any benefit, I think that the individual has to be receptive- there seems to be something inherent about Love needing to be both ‘taken in and also returned’  for it to have benefit.

I also believe that Love never dies. Our Spirit/Soul/Essence continues to exist in some form of Energy after we die. I sometimes do Contemplative Meditation to Mary Magdelene and St Mary of the Cross. I can feel a tactile energy connection and can gain insights and strength from these Meditations.

So for those of you who believe in Intercessional prayer, I would say- “keep it up’!

Many studies have shown that people who have cancer survive longer, and with better quality of life, if they have close friends or are in loving relationships. So  there is even  evidence that love extends life.

I also find practising Gratitude is an enormous support. When I have rough days with pain and nausea, I now retreat to my bed for a few hours. I am grateful that I have the luxury of being able to do this, now that I have finished work. I am grateful that I live in Australia, have a roof over my head, and can feel the breeze coming through the windows and hear the birdsong.

I am grateful that my sister, and my son and daughter, will be there to care for me when that need arises. I am grateful they will have back up and support from my brother and sister-in-law and my parents, as well as my close friends. I am grateful for all the love that I feel coming to me, and that I have had a good 5 years since my cancer was diagnosed.

Occasionally, my pain flares and it is hard to get to sleep, so I will put on a Guided Meditation CD. This really helps to ‘soothe the savage beast’ of pain, and gives me comfort.

For the most part, I aim to “Live in the Now”. However, it is necessary to plan for the future. I have tried to put my affairs in order, and have commenced the ‘difficult conversations’. These conversations are with my sister and children- about my future care, the details of my will, funeral plans. I am very mindful of how difficult it will be for my sister and my son and daughter, and I continue to remain concerned about being a burden on them for too long. I also feel distressed that their lives will be ‘on hold’ during my dying process.  However, I have to accept that ‘It is what it is, and it will be what it will be”.

I have found that talking about these unpleasant topics gives a sense of relief afterwards. It has certainly desensitized that topics, such that it is less painful the next time we need to return to these conversations.

The trouble with looking to the future is that you also ‘connect’ with the declining and dying process and the pain. I have to discipline myself and remind myself- “Mary, by projecting to your future decline, you are bringing that decline into the here and now, and living it now.” I want to LIVE the remainder of my life, not DIE my remaining life.  So I find that it is necessary to take forays into the future, but then return to Base Camp ‘in the now’.

I have accepted my situation. “It is what it is”. There is no point railing against it.There is no point expending energy on internal conversations such as ‘poor me’!

Despite accepting my situation, I continue to maintain interests, retain my sense of humour, and connect with family and friends-{ I possibly over-connect with friends!!} I aim to live a loving and compassionate life which is respectful of other people.

I bought myself a fridge magnet which says “Life is all about how you handle Plan B”

How true that is for so many of us. Life throws us curved balls. We need to be constantly evolving and problem solving. If we have as our foundations Love, Resilience, and an Acceptance that things don’t always go our own way, then we make our lives, and the lives of those around us, much more content  and enriched.

If we live well, we may have a better chance of dying well.

In ‘winding up’, I just want to share a brief story about one of my patients. Rachel is a lovely 21 year old woman who has mild intellectual impairment. She had been my patient since she was 7 years old. She sent me a card and a lovely little bracelet she had made herself. The charm she had chosen was ‘Cupid with his bow and arrow”. The message she wrote in her card said “Sorry to hear you are not well. I hope this bracelet makes you feel better.’

Well,  resistance is useless! Of course I am going to feel better from taking on all the love that went into that bracelet.

Thankyou.